2007-10-22 - 2:24 p.m.
My mind gets tangled up in you. I think of your warmth, your honesty, your laughter and I wonder how to go on without you in my life. You have changed me. I know I will probably never get the chance...take that back....I had the chance; but we didn't act on it, and I'm kicking myself already.
You called the night before last...and I missed your call. GOD!!! what agony...knowing that I could have heard your voice again. Maybe even getting a chance to have honest emotions without fear of reaction from others. I debated about calling back; not wanting to hurt your relationship or get you into trouble...and then I think, oh boy; we're already in trouble. I listened to your message; twice. The first, just to hear your voice: the second, to figure out what you were trying to say. Once again, you beat around the bush. I wish you could know that I would never treat you like your wife does. Your feelings would never be trampled on and you could tell me what and how you feel. I'm easy to share with; and honesty is what life is about. What do you have if you don't live your life honestly? You have to be honest with yourself first and then you can move...whatever direction you choose.
I heard sadness and hope in your voice. You sound lonely. I had to call...I didn't care what happened to you or I. I wanted just to hear your voice and laugh a while with you. I wanted to hear you laugh with me. I wanted to bolster you in finding happiness. No matter what B, I'd like to see you happy; happy within you. Your mother and your step father would like that also; especially your mother. And I think you know that. She was a great woman; with great strength and love. I understand how much you will miss her; but remember she is alway there to talk with. I wish you would have had more time to talk with her and share with her all the hurts you have. She would have told you the same things I am...don't stay just because...Stay, because you love and share. As someone once told me...trying is lying; you either do or you don't. I'd hope you'll find it and let joy be unbound; I'm crossing my fingers for you.
B, I can't stop thinking of you and what you made me feel. WHAM...ton of bricks instantly! My life has been really good- I have a good man; a very good man, and your presence has made me look at a whole different side of my relationship with him. WOW!
How can you meet someone, and instantly feel that comfortable compatibility? I'm in meltdown at this moment. All I want is to hear your voice again, just to talk about nothing and in all those nothings; something. I want to hear the ummm...ummmm and you stumbling to say what you really mean...and you going around that bush again. I miss you. I miss you...your smile, your adorable walk, your strong hands, your mouth, your mustache, and your beautiful hair...the hair that I wanted to smell and run my fingers through like old lovers.
My gut clenches when I think of you. My eyes start to water. God! How can you touch me soo? How can I feel this for someone whom I have never touched? Why do I feel it deep down to my soul? Why am I so touched by you? Who are you? Are you my soul...? Are you the thief of those things I hold so dear? What is happening to me?
I'm lost and drowning in something...somewhere I've never been.
