4:41 p.m. - 2009-09-22
Griz
It is really hard for me to put my thoughts so nakedly out there for you to revel in them. You know me… I have never been able to just shove my feelings out there. I’ve had to be cajoled and knocked around a bit before I’d admit anything. You have seen me hide behind my mask of indifference; brush things off; hide feelings from you. I am good at that. I’ve had wonderful teachers in my life; I’ve learned to pretend that everything is good and really under the surface I am at slow boil.
Funny…I think back so many years and realize that I was my truest self with you. You made it easy…looking into your beautiful eyes and seeing that you truly wanted to know what I thought or how I felt. I know we were young, and had no life experiences to know the difference, but you made me feel so safe and protected.
Which brings me to wanting to explain the necklace conversation…I have searched forever to find one like it; because it would remind me of you and feeling safe. How’s that for crazy? I have yet to find one. When I was upset, hurt, angry…that little bit of steel helped me get through all the pain. I couldn’t call you and even if I did; I probably wouldn’t have said much, but I felt a little bit connected to you wearing it. I want you to know- it helped me to hold on in this world filled with all its betrayals and pain; just because it was a piece of you. I’m sorry that you lost it the way you did. I’d like to hear more of the story someday.
I wish for so many things to have been different. The night at Shannon’s- God! I had just broken up with W, and was heartbroken. I’m not the type that gets involved with someone and can so easily just close the door. I wasn’t willing to have you be the fallback guy; you meant something more to me. You have always meant more to me. You were my tenderness, my laughter, my dreams, my protector, my defender, my awakening, my first love, my friend. I could not have that memory sullied by my sadness over W. and my weakness for comfort. It would have been so easy to get lost in you. To share a wild passion that has gone on for years under the surface. I know you. I know that we could have shared so much; that it would have been a great start to something. I wanted it to be right between us. I wanted to come to the relationship with something more then a past and sexual tension between us. I never knew how you felt at that time….I feared I was just another notch on the bed post (one that was a long time in coming). Maybe an unrequited “what if”. Payback. So many doubts.
I wish you would have made more of an effort afterwards to press me…to become part of my life. I’m not leaving it on your doorstep….I am just as much to blame, but I want you to know that I did search for you a few months later… I found out you were in Nampa with your current person. I even remember something about you living on Stanley St. in Boise . I almost came over and knocked on the door; just to see if you were in fact there. It would have been so easy; since my brother lived a few doors down. I never did. I didn’t want to mess up your life. I want to tell you sorry for all the missed opportunities and for not having the gumption to put my heart in your hands. I wonder….
I still dream…and thrill at the sound of your voice over the line.
Teddy
